Who is listening?
- The world wonders who Putin is listening to.
- People in Ukraine wonder whether the world is listening to their cries.
- Red states wonder if blue states are listening… and vice-versa.
- Catholics of certain age wonder if younger people have faith.
- Poor people wonder who is listening to their cries for the necessities of life..
- Parents don’t think their children share their values.
- Young people don’t think they are being heard.
I don’t think I need to document any of the above.
Listening is more than waiting for a chance to respond or rebut the other.
What is listening?
I was reminded of all this when I rediscovered the words of Henri Nouwen.
“Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond…The beauty of listening is that, those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their own true selves. Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become friends.”
Pope Francis warns against sound-proofing our hearts In a homily, Francis asked,
“In the church, are we good at listening?
How good is the hearing of our heart?
Do we allow people to express themselves, to walk in faith even though they have had difficulties in life, and to be part of the life of the community without being hindered, rejected or judged?
Let us not soundproof our hearts.”.
Am I listening?
Research shows that only about 10 percent of us listen effectively.
Maybe we should ask ourselves “how good am I at listening”.
Before we can listen to others, we may need to listen to what we ourselves say … or don’t say.
There is a kind of listening which is called ”listening with the third ear”. So thought Theodor Reik, a pioneering therapist in the middle of the last century. He urged listening for the deeper layers of meaning in order to glean what has not been said outright
You can’t hear what is in another’s heart if you have soundproofed your heart with your own certitudes. It is the opposite of listening.
“Oh, but I have not soundproofed my heart!” Really? Research shows that only about 10 percent of us listen effectively. If you want to know whether you have soundproofed your heart, there are some tell-tale wrdss that you should feel comfortable using.
We often think that we are listening but we’re actually just considering how to jump in to tell our own story, offer advice, or even make a judgment—in other words, we are not listening to understand, but rather to reply.
Becoming a better listener
Listen to what you say… or don’t say …especially in difficult conversations. Would you be comfortable using the following expressions?
- “I really appreciate you being willing to discuss this.”
- “Let’s clarify …”
- “I’m happy to talk about it, as long as we play cards afterwards.”
- “I want us to talk even though things might not get resolved.”
- “Let’s see what we can agree on.”
- “Thanks for helping me understand where you are comong from.”
- “Something doesn’t feel right. Let’s talk about it. Would now be okay?
- “You’ve talked about this before, but I want to really understand it.”
This is by no means the best or most complete list.
But these and similar questions keep a conversation going.
Did you know that Jesus is recorded asking 339 questions?
Listening in on our own political… or ministerial conversations
- Which statements do you rarely use?
- Are you willing to commit to using some of these more frequently?
- Pay attention to where the conversation goes when you use them.
Father John, those are very good reminders about listening.
While hearing/reading your thoughts, I was taken back to my former life as a probation officer. In court settings, the asking and answering of questions takes on a very different suit of armor. In that environment, nearly everyone’s guard is up, looking for loopholes or apparent contradictions or carefully wording answers so as not to reveal too much.
In our home visits, I used to experience that all the time – folks very sensitive about what they disclose about their situation or background for fear that it will impact their request for help. It proved helpful to first, be actually interested in their story, and second, to allow their story to be told in their own words. One of my opening questions is, “how did we get to here?” The initial response is often about some incident/accident/poor decision that led to their situation in need. I then clarify, “no, we can get to that in a minute; what brought you to this town, this neighborhood, or this apartment? Tell us about your family.”
That approach has helped many times to break that interrogation mode that often is associated with agencies trying to find ways NOT to help. We engage one another as “neighbors” just meeting for the first time. It’s listening but listening that leads to a different kind of relationship.
I know I have had some physical neighbors who were absolute delights, others who were a puzzle to understand even after a dozen years or more, and others who were better to acknowledge but avoid, and some who might not recognize that you need help but would jump right in if you asked.
Hopefully, we have become a cross between those “absolute delights” and the ones who “jump right in if asked.”
Thanks for another mind/spirit walk.